You Are Not Alone

Devotionals

I lay here awake, debating on even writing this. What you are about to read has been heavy on my heart for so long, and I finally feel ready. (This may be a sensitive subject to some, and I completely understand if you feel the need at any time to exit this post. This is part of my story and I pray that it can give hope to others).

With the state of the world right now and everyone in quarantine, I have had a lot of time to think. While this gives many people the chance to spend quality time with their families, for some this is a nightmare being played out day by day in their own homes. The thought occurred to me the other day… those people who are suffering mental/physical abuse from their partners have no where to go and I felt my heart breaking.

Years ago when I would hear about people in abusive/toxic relationships I asked the same question that many others do “Why don’t they just leave?” I never understood until it became my reality.

From the outside (for the most part), my relationship looked great. That’s what I wanted everyone to think, and part of me wanted to believe that it was as well. For a while, I was blind to the mental abuse that was taking place. Occasionally friends, family, and even teachers would see how I was being treated and try to warn me. I brushed it off as if it was nothing. Eventually it got worse, and I started to realize the effects that it had on my mental health. I was constantly being blamed for everything, accused for cheating (when he was the one doing so), called crazy, told that I wasn’t pretty enough or smart enough, and that no one else could ever want me.

I decided one day that I did not want to tolerate it anymore and said something to defend myself. By doing this, I caused the mental abuse to become physical abuse as well. My spirits were crushed and I was terrified. From this day on, any time that I said something that seemed off putting, I had to suffer the consequences.

I became drained and I lost myself. I wore more makeup and clothing to hide the bruises best I could. Those I couldn’t hide, I lied when asked about them. I did not know how to think for myself, I became isolated, I lost friends and worst of all I began to slowly lose the will to live. I thought about dying often, because I knew that would be my only way out. I wanted with everything in me to leave, but I felt trapped and it gave me the most sickening feeling.

My parents started to notice a big change in me, helped me get into therapy, and helped me through the process of talking to my family doctor. I was diagnosed with depression and was put on medication. Through all this, my parents begged me to get out of the relationship, but still I stayed. Though the abuse continued, my fear did not. I began to slowly realize who I was and what I was worth. I became closer to God and I prayed and prayed for Him to help me and to guide me.

After almost 4 years, I finally built up the courage and I got out. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth more than I could ever put into words. Since that day, God has worked so many blessings into my life. He put a man into my life whose hands and words show me nothing but love. I have found my way back to myself in many ways, but in other ways I have grown into a new woman…. a strong woman who knows what she’s worth and a happy woman who knows she is loved.

The fact that so many people all around the world are in abusive relationships absolutely breaks my heart. I hurt for them. I pray that I can use what I have been through to help others who may be in that situation or know someone who is. I pray for all of you. I pray that you find the love you deserve. Just remember, God made you beautiful and He made you strong, and with Him you can conquer anything.

If you made it to the end, I thank you for reading my story and I hope that it shines a light at the end of what may seem a never ending tunnel.

Love and prayers,

Taylor

Accepting Change

Devotionals

I want to start off by saying I am so sorry that it has been such a long time since I last posted, but I’m happy to be back. The past month of my life has been one full of changes and I’m not going to lie, at first I was terrified. I have always been someone who is scared of change. Once I get comfortable and in a routine I don’t want anything to mess it up. I had to quickly realize that change has to happen in order for you to grow to be exactly who God intended for you to be.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord. Whose confidence is in Him.” -Jeremiah 17:7

You see, when things don’t work out in our lives it’s not because God is trying to punish us. He instead is in the process of opening new doors in our lives and because of that He has to close others that aren’t helping us grow. I didn’t want to accept the change in my life and for a few days I was angry at God. I thought I had it all together and had my life figured out, but He showed me that His plans are greater. Over the past few weeks I have learned to accept the changes that have taken place in my life, and I could not be happier. Once I started to see it as a blessing rather than a heart ache my whole perspective changed.

(My sweet nana & I, something that has been so helpful through this process of change is spending time with family, in a season of change surround yourself with people who will help you through it.)

I am learning so much about myself in this process. I have learned that for years I broke my own heart by accepting love that was not what I deserved. I became a version of myself that I never wanted to be, but now I am truly glowing. God has shown me my worth and what I deserve and I believe that I would not have realized either one of those things without change. I would have been stuck in the same downward spiral for the rest of my life.

I know change isn’t easy to accept, but if you don’t like the way life is going right now it is something that has to happen! Pray that God will show you the path for your life and allow Him to help change the negative parts of your life that are hindering you from your true purpose. I was worried that the person I became after this change was not going to be someone I liked, but turns out it’s someone I love. Not only have I realized the love I should have for myself, but others around me have noticed the positive effect change has had on me as well. It is so refreshing to hear people say that I look truly happy and full of life, because that is something I haven’t heard in the longest time.

Change may not always be what we want at first, but God will always show you that it is for the better and all a part of His plan. So accept it, trust it, and let Him guide you. Say this prayer with me, “Lord, I thank you for how you are working in my life and the changes you are bringing. While I may not understand now, I know I will eventually and that these changes will shape me into the person you know I can be. Thank you for being the light that guides me down these new and unfamiliar paths, I will follow you and trust you. Amen.”

-Taylor Johns

Dear Mom,

Devotionals

I wanted to dedicate this blog post to none other then my beautiful mom. With Mother’s Day being this past Sunday, my family and I got the chance to show my mom how much we truly appreciate her. I loved seeing her light up when she opened her gifts and saw the video we made for her, but this feeling of appreciation is one I want her to have every day, not only just on Mother’s Day.

Mom, I want you to know how truly blessed I am to have you in my life. You have taught me so much, and above all else you have taught me to seek Jesus in both times of joy and times of pain. I know there are times you may feel as if you have failed, but just know that me, Emma, Elle and Abby look up to you more then you will ever know. You have not only set an example for us as to what a woman should be, but what a mother should be as well. Your beauty shines from the inside out.

“As is the mother so is her daughter.”-Ezekiel 16:4

My prayer is that if you are a mom, or a mother figure in someones life that you feel appreciated not just on mothers day, but every day. The role God gave you here on this Earth as a mother is one of the most important roles there is. I thank God every day for the mom I have, for it is because of her that I am strong.

So, mom thank you for all that you are and all that you do. To all the other moms out there, thank you as well for just being you. The sacrifices you make on a daily basis show just how much love is in your heart. I encourage everyone to pray for all the moms, as their job is not always easy, but I know they wouldn’t trade it for the world.

-Taylor Johns

No Rain, No Flowers

Devotionals

I have always loved the saying “No rain, no flowers”. When the rain comes we often times tend to despise it wishing it away, without realizing the true beauty it can bring. Without rain, the flowers would not bloom. While the rain pours down, it turns the sky dark and gloomy, making everything around grey. Nasty puddles fill the roads and it seems as if it will never go away, but it does. The rain always passes.

This past week I shared my story of overcoming an eating disorder on my youtube channel. Never in a million years did I think it would be something I would publicly share. For years I was so embarrassed of it and I let it cause me so much pain. It was a very rainy season in my life, and I felt as if it would never go away. My head was like a dark cloud constantly pouring out negative thoughts and feelings about myself. These thoughts told me “you aren’t skinny enough” “you are pretty enough” “you’ll never be enough”.

For ten years I have let these same thoughts run ramped in my mind. These thoughts have robbed me of so much joy in my life. Instead of my story being something that I was ashamed about, I decided I wanted it to be something that I could use to help others. I want to bring more awareness to eating disorders and mental health because they are things that so many people are struggling with everyday. Just as I did, people learn to hide it well. You never know what someone may be going through.

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“I will send down showers in season there will be showers of blessings.” – Ezekiel 34:26

God allowed me to see the beauty and the blessings that the rain brings. When the rain is pouring, you will feel like it will never end, but when it passes you will see things in a whole new light. Don’t get me wrong, I still have days where those thoughts try to ruin my mood, but I am doing my best to learn how to control them. I quit being ashamed, finally got the help I needed, and now I am ready to let my light shine.

It was so hard for me to understand why I was going through the things that I was, and I am sure many of you have felt the same way. I found a quote on Pinterest a couple weeks ago that explains it perfectly:

“May the flowers remind us why the rain was so necessary.”- Xan Oku

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If you are going through a rainy season of life, just know that God has a reason for it all. This rain will allow you to grow and bloom in ways that you never have before. He knows you are strong, and He will help guide you through it. God is the light peaking behind that dark grey cloud. This storm will pass, and from it will come beauty and blessings.

-Taylor Johns

Learning To Be Myself

Devotionals

Learning to be myself has been one of the hardest things…

I am shy, and I always have been. For years I was made to feel as if this is one of the worst characteristics to have. I have always hated this about myself up until recently. I finally realized that God made me this way for a reason. Because I am shy, there is a lot of things that come as a challenge to me, so that means I have to work hard to accomplish these tasks. God made me this way, not so I would hate it, but because He knew I could handle what came with it and that it would only make me stronger.

“Be Strong, Be Brave, Be Fearless. You are never alone.” -Joshua 1:9

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Over the past couple years I have done several things that are really out of my comfort zone. I started a youtube channel, began doing devotional videos on Facebook, and started this blog. It shocked so many people, because it was definitely something that no one could see me doing, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t do it. At first, (and still am sometimes) I was so scared of what others may think about me. I thought “everyone is going to think I am so weird”. I knew it was out of the ordinary, especially in my town but I gave it a shot anyways, and I am so thankful that I did.

Through my videos and this blog I have been able to show the world who I am, and truly find my passions. Yes I am shy, but I love sharing my passions with others and creating new content every week makes me so happy. Slowly, but surely I am learning to do the things that make me happy and to be who I am, regardless of what others think. I have been able to show my more outgoing and creative side through these platforms, and I am so grateful for that. I am positive that not everyone who watches my videos or reads my blog likes it, but that’s okay because I love it. Hearing how it impacts the lives of others absolutely makes my day and means the world to me.

A few years ago if you would have told me that I would have been doing the things I am today, I would have said you were crazy. I didn’t believe in myself, and I let my shyness hold me back from a lot of things. Today, I take that shyness as a challenge and allow it only to make me stronger. I know that God made me who I am for a reason and a purpose, and that goes for everyone! He has allowed me to see a glimpse of what that purpose is, and through that I have been able to find myself.

Everyday I am still working on just truly being me. I don’t want to regret not doing something just because someone else told me it was “weird” or that I just wasn’t the type of person that could succeed at it. I want to live my life and experience true joy in doing the things that I love, and inspiring others to do the same. I am growing to love the shy, awkward girl that I am and fully embracing that for what it is. It is okay to be different and out of the ordinary, God made us all different for a reason.

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No matter the situation, always stay true to yourself. God made you wonderful, and beautiful and created you for great things. There is only one you in this world, so show the world who that person is! Live your life doing things that make you happy, find what you are passionate about, and use your light to guide others to do the same. God will be will you every step of the way. Take chances, even if it may seem “out of character” for you. Go after your dreams, you never know where they make take you. Learn to be yourself and learn to love yourself, because God loves you just as you are. 

-Taylor Johns